It Ain't The Place To Be

Although I've never considered myself having much in common with Eva Gabor, I'm finding more and more that country living is not the life for me. Our rented yellow ranch house on the range has fresh air to spare, but nature seems to be telling me it doesn't want me for a neighbor.

First it was the no-see-ums. These tiny, biting gnats attacked us with a vengeance each time we set foot outside. They swarmed our heads, attacked our ears, and turned our bare legs into a buffet. We itched and scratched until we looked like junkyard dogs with a bad case of the fleas. We had to lock ourselves indoors in the middle of a beautiful spring, tell our high-strung toddler to ride his brand-new big wheel in the great room, and take in the amazing view we were paying an arm and a leg for through the not-so-amazing mini-blinds.

Then a mouse built a nest in the heater box of my SUV. As our little family was headed for the fair, a horrendous thumping sound came from under the hood, shortly followed by a funny, slightly nauseating scent. Thinking the compressor was shot, I was relieved to discover the A/C was fine, though not relieved to learn a poor mouse mommy had chosen my engine as a safe haven for her babies. Perhaps it was the smell of Cheerios that drew her in, since their numbers remain at a constant on the floor of my backseat. The technician vacuumed out the victims, and the dog-hair nest they'd called home, charged me $75, and told me to get a cat. After this procedure, the slightly nauseating smell became an overwhelmingly nauseating one, and a tough one for my nine-month pregnant nose to handle. Think dead animal and wet dog hair, with notes of rotting fish in the finish. The mechanic thought some deodorizing spray would help. That only made it smell like dead animal, wet dog hair, rotting fish, and flowery deodorizing spray. It wasn't a good mix. Carter was fond of telling me, "Mommy, it's stinky in here!" As if I hadn't noticed.

By July our baby Brody had come, and so had the bees. Seems they loved our oasis in the semi-desert. We had wasps, we had honeybees, we had hornets. So between the 100+ degree weather and the stinging insects, we were once again driven indoors.

Now we've been infested with some type of water beetle. They are scurrying over the ceilings, down the walls, and across the floors of our guest bathroom and hallway. The kicker was when I was making Carter's bed and four of them went scurrying across the comforter. That was about the time I entered the pest control company on speed-dial.

We've got giant wolf spiders in the garage and grass snakes in the driveway. I've been told we live on virgin land, but between the birds and the bees and the flowers and the trees, I don't believe it. It may be pure, but it sure as heck ain't innocent. It's a battle for who has a right to homestead out here, and lately, I don't think it's going to be us.

We seem to be outnumbered.